All to Jesus...

"If God has given me the gift of music, why would he ask me to give it up?" This was the question I asked Dr. Parker as I sat in his office. His response was a question. "Is music for God, or is music for you?"

Me. Music is for me. I love to practice. I love the challenge of taking something I can hardly sightread and practicing it until it's perfect. I love making music with other musicians in an ensemble. I started playing flute in third grade. Ever since then I wanted to be a music teacher. So naturally, I centered my life around flute. I loved band in high school. I played in a youth orchestra on Sundays. I majored in music when I got to Southern, and decided to go on to more school to be able to teach flute.

There was just one problem...I had not been accepted to any of the grad schools I applied to. I felt this strange feeling that I needed to be doing something more to hasten the soon return of Jesus. But there's no way I'd give up a career of music! Seriously, I would rather have my arm cut off than make the decision to not make a career out of music. It wouldn't have to be my choice. Then, ten years later when I'm working at an orphanage mothering hundreds of children I overhear one ask another "I found out that Miss Reynolds used to play the flute...what happened? What happened to her arm?" "Shhhhh! We don't talk about that. Miss Reynolds hasn't played the flute since the accident." (I guess that wouldn't be me surrendering...would it?)

After my talk with Dr. Parker I felt freer. Wahoo, I was going to give God everything. God was going to paint the picture of my life. Yay. I went on the Biology trail and had a nice talk with God.

Tuesday morning I got a message from a trumpet player. They needed a first flute for a gig in Soddy Daisy. I've played this gig before for two years. It's a blast--an Easter musical of the life of Jesus, complete with sheep, camels, warm people--and about $675. Problem: I would miss every single Pentecost meeting but the first weekend. Is this surrendering, God? Do you want me to give up this fun opportunity to make money in order to attend Pentecost?

I was doing fine until Tuesday night during orchestra. We were playing Brahms. What can be more moving than Brahms? Rich harmonies, complex rhythms, and beautiful melodies. Passion and love flooded my soul. No. I can't give this up. I won't. I almost started crying there in rehearsal. As I biked home I fought with God. How could you take away something I love so much? This was God's response: "Bekah, you love it too much."

The next day before my lesson I went to the music building to practice. I played about two measures and the beauty, fascination, and love overwhelmed through me. I broke down, sat on the floor, and sobbed. I can't imagine not doing this everyday of my life. God you can't take this from me! Please! I won't let you.

It's been several weeks now and I really believe that it took rejection for God to get my attention. I was putting music above Him--valuing it too much, especially my success in it. I still may end up at an orphanage mothering hundreds of children or I may end up trying for grad school again. Or maybe it's something totally different than I could ever imgine. But for now I'm taking this day and giving it to God.

a silly conversation about the meaning of lol

me: lol

see

if you would count how many times i have said lol

10:24 AM in this conversation

it would be a lot

Lorrie: true, u do say it alot but I do too so I don't notice. it's like routine of conversation for us

me: i just like to be responsive to what people say

Lorrie: natural IM response

me: i know...lol

Lorrie: and others may think you're hysterically laughing and think it is strange

me: LOL

10:25 AM Lorrie: heehee

me: oh dear

see

now if it's capitol

that's diff

Lorrie: true

thats like major outburst- may actually be laughing in real life

me: hahahahaha

yes

Lorrie: while "lol" is not usually real laughter

me: right

Lorrie: "LOL" is

yes

deflated dreams

Thursday afternoon Lorrie and I headed up to New York. We stopped in West Virginia at some peoples' house for the night. Our accommodations were an air mattress on the living room floor. We got there late and got to bed around 11:30. The air mattress wasn't very firm when we went to bed...

At 5:30 AM:

Lorrie: "Are you on the floor?"
Me: "Mmhmm"

Uncontrollable laughter ensued.

Yesterday, as I was waiting for convocation to start, I was having a somewhat vehement vent to Joe, who was playing piano for me. I was complaining about how Southern pushes student missions so much. "Be a student missionary--you won't regret it!" "Take time off, figure out your life!" "Southern sends out the most student missionaries, uphold the standard!" Southern Missionary College. (hmm, well maybe that's better than Southern Matrimony College. . . ) I suppose this bothers me because I was never an SM. I don't feel like I was called to be an SM. How come Southern can't stress being a missionary here, in the United States, and prepare us to be missionaries after we graduate? What if we're passionate about reaching people here? This prompted the question to Joe, "Well, why don't we learn that stuff here?" He said, "If you want to learn that stuff, you've got to go to Arise, or AFCOE . . ." "But that's STUPID!" I cut him off. "I'm going to an Adventist school. We should be learning that here." "It's because we they have standards they have to keep up with here, and they're too caught up in the academics." I shook my head, appalled.

Convocation started and a bunch of people announced different activities coming up. Then Dr. Bietz stood at the pulpit. He made some remark about all the activities and then said, "But don't forget the real reason why you're going to school here. . ." As he paused, I wondered what he was going to say. Spirituality? God? What's the reason we're going to school here? " . . .the real reason why you're going to school here . . . academics." There you have it. Straight from President Bietz's mouth. Southern is about academics. If Southern was about academics for me, I wouldn't be here. The music department? Pshhhh, I could be getting a much better and cheaper academic education else where. (I mean band? Really!)

So why did I come to Southern? I went to public school. In high school I decided that I wanted to attend an Adventist school. I thought to myself, It will be nice not to have to worry about doing stuff on Sabbath. It will be nice not to explain why I don't go to dances. It will be nice to have people who understand why I eat strange food. It will be nice to be around Adventist young people. But you know what, I've gained a lot more than just fellowship and acceptance of my "strange" ways. I've grown into a deeper relationship with my Savior. Grades won't matter in heaven. You won't show up with "Straight A Student" written on your crown. (I'm not advocating being a lazy student. . .) What matters is that person you helped. The encouragement you gave someone when he was having a bad day. The service you've done for others. The time you've spent with Jesus. So why are you at Southern? In my last months here I hope to take full advantage of the opportunities I am given to grow in Jesus Christ--to start being a missionary here at school. After all, it is Southern Missionary College, right?

God's been good

Lorrie's been playing this song a lot lately . .

Lately I've been looking back, along this winding road
To the old familiar markers of the mercies I have known
I know it may sound simple but it's more than a cliche
There's no better way to tell you, than to say

God's been good in my life
I feel blessed beyond my wildest dreams when I go to sleep each night
And though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could
'Cause through it all, God's been good

Times replay and I can see that I've cried some bitter tears
But I felt His arms around me, as I faced my greatest fears
You see I've had more gains than losses and I've known more joy than hurt
As His grace rolled down upon me undeserved

God's been good in my life
I feel blessed beyond my wildest dreams when I go to sleep each night
And though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could
'Cause through it all, God's been good

For God has been my Father, my Savior and my Friend
His love was my beginning, and His love will be my end
I could spend forever trying to tell you everything He is
But the best that I can say it is this

God's been good in my life
I feel blessed beyond my wildest dreams when I go to sleep each night
And though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could
'Cause through it all, God's been good

perspectives

Do you ever go through times where you just feel like being selfish? A visit to Patten Towers today brought my selfishness into perspective.

As Jackie, Lorrie, and I went up the elevator, the fire alarm starting going off. I have never been in the elevator before when the fire alarm went off, and it was kind of an frightening experience, to say the least! We were at the M floor with the doors open when the elevator started buzzing, and the doors shutting! We pushed them back open and ran down the stairs to the lobby. Getting stuck in the elevator was not on our list for the day. As we waited for the fire department to come, we saw a man we recognized from various activities with Patten. His name is Merle. As we talked with him about going on the River Cruise (which he thoroughly enjoyed) he said, "Hey, wanna see something beautiful?" He was reaching into his wallet, and took out a picture of two little girls. "Who are they?" Lorrie asked. "They're my daughters, replied Merle, "But I can't see them. My wife and I are divorced and I don't get to see them." Tears began to form in my eyes. He started talking about them. About their personalties. What they like. And he carries them with him everywhere in his wallet. Meanwhile, the fire department had gotten there and it was safe to go upstairs again. Merle said goodbye as he headed off to go up the elevator. Oh how much more Jesus loves us than Merle loves his daughters! That put things into perspective.
We boarded the elevator again. Our destination: Michael on the seventh floor. When Jackie and I were at the Zoo with Patten last Sunday, we talked with Michael for a while. He was pretty hyped up, but he calmed down after talking to us. Jackie said that we'd visit with him on Sabbath. I asked him, "What's your favorite food?" He looked at me apprehensively. "Why...?" "Because maybe we can bring it to you!" I responded. "Well...chicken teriyaki," he said matter of factly.

So armed with chicken teriyaki from China Kitchen, we rang Michael's doorbell. He came to the door and looked at us. "Hi Michael!" we all chorused. The first thing he noticed was the food. "What's that?" he asked, suspiciously eying the bag Jackie was holding. "Chicken teriyaki!" A huge grin spread across his face. "I didn't think you guys were gonna come!" He kept saying it over and over. His face was beaming. He invited us in. We stepped into a large room with a dilapidated couch, a couple mattresses on the floor, and a TV. He sat down on his bed and chomped down on the egg roll. We visited a few minutes and then left for the eleventh floor to visit Sally. A few dollars spent on chicken teriyaki. A few minutes of visiting. A few hugs. That's all it took to make Michael's day--and it was so worth it to see the look on his face. Perspectives.
We rang the bell on Sally's door. "Who is it?" the raspy voice croaked from inside. "It's us! We're back!" The smile on Sally's face didn't look as bright. She was in more pain than usual.

At the beginning of this year, we didn't know if Sally wanted to continue Bible studies, or if she just wanted us to visit with her. Then, a few weeks ago she came out with this, "I keep waiting so long after I talk, because I'm waiting for you to preach at me again!" Well, I guess that cleared that up. We asked her if there was anything in particular she wanted to study. "Well, I keep trying to read the book of Revelations, but I don't understand it." The light bulb went off. Of course she wanted to study Revelation. Last year she mentioned to us several times that she was "reading Revelations, but I don't understand." So yesterday we had our first exciting study on the book of Revelation. I know the Holy Spirit was there to help her understand. She put her marker in her large print Bible for Revelation 2. "So I can be ready next time when you come."

Perspectives.

Standing Tall

How many of you were blessed by SEYC this past weekend? I'm so thankful to be ReGenerated! Last night I made a commitment to stand up for Jesus. I've been on the Mason-Dixon line. When I was little I asked my mom why Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego didn't just pretend to "tie their shoes" when the music played and they were supposed to bow down. I always struggled with being different in public school--Why don't you go to dances? Eww, what are you eating? Why can't you do stuff on Saturday? And then I dreaded graduating here and once again going out in the world--to be different. I know, Jesus was different, but what if I didn't want to be different like him? It didn't help me to know that Jesus was spit upon so I shouldn't mind being spit upon. It didn't make it any easier to be mocked and made fun of. Then Ivor Myers spoke about looking at the face of Jesus. Jesus beheld the face of God every single day and was bruised for it. Would I miss out on Heaven for something? Would I miss out for blending in with the world? Is that worth it? Am I willing to obey the Word, even if it causes me to die? I need to stop looking at my tiny wounds and look at His wounds to be healed! The glory of God is to be willing to be spit on, marred, and to take on the character of God. When that glory shines in our faces, we won't be ashamed to be different. It's not about self, it's about God. Wow. Then last night I realized that I was on the Mason-Dixon line. I was wearing both blue and gray in order to fit in with either side. Around my Christian friends it's easy to wear all blue. I was one who would probably pretend to tie my shoes, or wear a little gray to blend in with the world. I want to be like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to stand up for Christ even if everyone around me isn't.