All to Jesus...

"If God has given me the gift of music, why would he ask me to give it up?" This was the question I asked Dr. Parker as I sat in his office. His response was a question. "Is music for God, or is music for you?"

Me. Music is for me. I love to practice. I love the challenge of taking something I can hardly sightread and practicing it until it's perfect. I love making music with other musicians in an ensemble. I started playing flute in third grade. Ever since then I wanted to be a music teacher. So naturally, I centered my life around flute. I loved band in high school. I played in a youth orchestra on Sundays. I majored in music when I got to Southern, and decided to go on to more school to be able to teach flute.

There was just one problem...I had not been accepted to any of the grad schools I applied to. I felt this strange feeling that I needed to be doing something more to hasten the soon return of Jesus. But there's no way I'd give up a career of music! Seriously, I would rather have my arm cut off than make the decision to not make a career out of music. It wouldn't have to be my choice. Then, ten years later when I'm working at an orphanage mothering hundreds of children I overhear one ask another "I found out that Miss Reynolds used to play the flute...what happened? What happened to her arm?" "Shhhhh! We don't talk about that. Miss Reynolds hasn't played the flute since the accident." (I guess that wouldn't be me surrendering...would it?)

After my talk with Dr. Parker I felt freer. Wahoo, I was going to give God everything. God was going to paint the picture of my life. Yay. I went on the Biology trail and had a nice talk with God.

Tuesday morning I got a message from a trumpet player. They needed a first flute for a gig in Soddy Daisy. I've played this gig before for two years. It's a blast--an Easter musical of the life of Jesus, complete with sheep, camels, warm people--and about $675. Problem: I would miss every single Pentecost meeting but the first weekend. Is this surrendering, God? Do you want me to give up this fun opportunity to make money in order to attend Pentecost?

I was doing fine until Tuesday night during orchestra. We were playing Brahms. What can be more moving than Brahms? Rich harmonies, complex rhythms, and beautiful melodies. Passion and love flooded my soul. No. I can't give this up. I won't. I almost started crying there in rehearsal. As I biked home I fought with God. How could you take away something I love so much? This was God's response: "Bekah, you love it too much."

The next day before my lesson I went to the music building to practice. I played about two measures and the beauty, fascination, and love overwhelmed through me. I broke down, sat on the floor, and sobbed. I can't imagine not doing this everyday of my life. God you can't take this from me! Please! I won't let you.

It's been several weeks now and I really believe that it took rejection for God to get my attention. I was putting music above Him--valuing it too much, especially my success in it. I still may end up at an orphanage mothering hundreds of children or I may end up trying for grad school again. Or maybe it's something totally different than I could ever imgine. But for now I'm taking this day and giving it to God.